Rhymin on the fly

I'm neither a sinnner, nor a saint
and this exterior of mine is nothing but paint
I'm not wiser than you nor older
Instead I'm just younger and bolder
Not a veteran, but a fresh blooded soldier
...
and if you stick around, you'll see all these thigns I've told ya

why do i have this thing

I'm not really sure why i have this anymore. nobody ever reads it, and its doubtful anyone ever will. oh well. no one else blogs anymore, so its a dead subject i guess. but did set up one for some friends for us to just be rediculous for a while. i think its gonna be fun

Been Awhile

Listening to my ipod I came across a song by stain'd with the same title as my post and then I realized that its been quite a while since I last posted.

Currently I'm freaking about the relationship I'm in. Found some new jeans that arent as expensive as what i usually get and some boxers that I've been looking everywhere for. My eagle project seems to actually be moving again. And I'm extrememly behind on the books i have to read for school.

thats all for now

Me and My Dad

So, i had a revelation today. But to explain this one, I need to go back a few years.

When I was about 7 my dad sat me down and said to me "Blake, just so you know, my dad wasnt a good father to me, so I really dont know how to be one". At the time I thought I understood him, he was saying that he would try but that he was at a disadvantage, so I should appreciate his effort...

Several years later I realized, more based on his character than anything, that what he actually meant from it was to lower my expectations. He was in a sense putting a social handi-cap plackard around his neck and saying "I don't possess the capability to go the distance", but what pisses me off is he never really tried.

But now I realized that this has rubbed off on me. Everything I don't do right in the relationships I've been in I blame on being inexperienced. Which might be understandable since I have a combined relationship total of 4 weeks within three relationships, including the one I'm currently in that led to this revelation. But I still just say "well, im not experienced" whenever i do something wrong.

Well no more, Im going to figure this out.

This Girl

So, theres this girl/. This girl/ and i have known each other for years. And just so you know a little bit more about me, one of my first and best friends was a girl. Not a girl in the usual sense though, even though we were only in elementary school, thanks to bad parenting ideals she already had a much more open understanding of sex than the usual, which she didn’t mind sharing. But for some reason we were never awkward around each other even in spite of that. Since that time, girls have always been my better friends… maybe its because I’m feminine in nature, maybe because most things guys do disgust me, I’m not sure. I do know however that the majority of girls that are my friends are girls I wanted to get to know so that I could date them and immediately landed in the friend zone with. I know dozens of girls I can talk to, not a single one so far I can date though… except this girl.



This girl/ and I dated at the beginning of my freshman year. We held hands and hung out everyday, and even went to the movies once. But because of being friends with girls for so many years I had heard time and time again “we went on this date and he did ____ and it made things sooooo awkward” I’m not sure if its from being friends with girls for so many years, or being protective in nature, or some odd sense of male over-respect towards women after finding out that my mom had been abused in her first marriage. But whatever the cause, I was terrified of making her awkward. Not because that might mess things up between the two of us, and end the relationship, no, it was simply I didn’t want to make her awkward. So the entire time we sat in the theatre on that first date, I sat with a personal bubble between the two of us, just so there was no chance she would find anything I did “awkward”.



A week later she broke up with me and walked away, to which I said nothing. I just walked around the rest of the day with a pain in my stomach like Mike Tyson had hit me there. For the rest of the year we didn’t speak to each other, more on her part than mine. After a few weeks I was told by friends of hers that the reason she dumped me was that I was “boring”, to which I can’t really argue.



That summer I dated the only other girl that has said yes so far. She was extremely unstable and as it turned out used me as just an emotional “pick-me-up” when she needed me, then dumped me. Talking to this girl/ for really the first time in a while on fb, she noticed that the other girl had dumped me, and instead of asking if I was alright, did something that was totally… her. She asked me “Do I need to kick this girls ass Blake, cuz nobody should treat somebody as nice as you that way”. Close to the nicest thing I have ever been told.



The following year we began to talk again and it continued into this year, occasionally holding an odd conversation or staring blankly at her while she screamed random insults like “fag”, or “whore” at me across the parking lot, which is also completely her. We began hanging out more and more and after a while, I began to notice that I wasn’t awkward around her, and not only that… I was more fun around her. I didn’t have to worry around her like I do around everybody else. And occasionally it felt like we were dating, and I wanted to reach across and hold her, or kiss her. But I knew better. Even though I couldn’t define our relationship, and that drove me crazy, whatever it was made me happy.



Then, one day, after going to a movie, the local snow cone place, and an evening at my youth group, all of whom thought we were dating, I finally defined our relationship. I figured out that we were just amazing friends, who for all appearances appeared to be dating, but that we never would because we knew it wouldn’t work. Realizing this made me comfortable. Later we decided to have a chat on twitter. This was not the best idea because everyone could see it. Two girls whom we both know decided to comment on us asking questions like “are ya’ll dating yet or what?” finally, this girl/ decided to ask “want to go out again?”, to which I couldn’t say no.



Now this girl/ and I are in a relationship that I can’t possibly understand, because I spent so long just trying to figure it out before. Wish me luck.

stupid rhyme

So tell me why this burden on my shoulders wheighs a ton

And tell me why I feel like im the only one

who lives their live this way

Its like im just living from day to day,

and nobody should feel that way,

like they have nothing to give and nothing to say

And tell me why I sit here looking for something between the lines

, watching as all this time these feeble times- go flying awaying

All the while I’m just sitting here writing these stupid rhymes wishing I too could fly away.

And tell me why I’m not really down

, im not depressed, suicidal or even sad, im just complacent-

Complacent with this life that my soul just doesn’t seem to care about,

 but all the while happy sad or otherwise, although I may not be down,

 I feel like im about to drown,

drown in this mind that wont shutup, wont let me sleep.

 This mind that keeps going and thinking till my head starts to weep.

And although im busy and this time

 that I’ve spent on this rhyme

 could be so better placed and so better put to use,

 this rhyme of mine is bringing a small smile to my face

 and keeping me from hanging my mind in a symbolic noose.

 It’s keeping it busy and shutting it up for this little while I’ve spent on my computer,

 but even while im writing its throwing me something that it wont let go,

 that the Tibetans say that this mind that wont be quiet,

this thinking that wont shut up is like pouring water…. Like pouring water into a cup,

 one that is already full and can take no more,

it just ends in a mess brimming over the edges and onto the floor.

 And although theres no gate, no door

 for me to lock up and leave these thought so I can have a break,

 maybe I can sit here and just take

 some time away from this shame

 this crime of a brain

to just think about these insessent thoughts, this paranoia, these fears and worries.

And just tell my mind that there is no hurry,

 theres no need to rush and force me to think about them now, unless it knows something I don’t, that my time is short in which case there no reason to think about these things at all, I should enjoy this world before I have to go …

with wishful thinking since I don’t know which of my deeds will be called when I’m called to court. Maybe one day if my life isn’t cut short

 I will have time to work all of this out and maybe just calm down.

So im no longer asking you why these things are the way they are in my life, instead I simply say to you the next time you asking me why I do so worry, fear, and just think.

 That im on the brink, the brink,

 the edge of some cliff somewhere in my head, and im tired of teetering there but it’s where I’ve been since I can remember and im sure that’s where ill stay for a while yet.

 But im no happier im there than you are im sure, but its not something that I can just set

down all these things, just walk away and let them set.

Its something I deal with everday,

in everyway,

because they come never lay

down and leave me alone,

 these thoughts and insecurities don’t have a sleep button, they never fall into a manageable drone.

 They just keep going until I’m to tired to live a life.

 But I’m writing this now to say I’m putting my foot down, I’m taking back my life

 and I’m going to figure out how to deal with this strife.

Parasite

A person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.... I guess thats me. I've fooled myself into thinking I had something useful to give, if only a minute quality, at least I had one. I thought I could sit and listen, and cheer people up, at least occasonally. In fact, I was so concieted in beleiving this, that when people thanked me for it, instead of just saying "your welcome", I had to sit on my high horse and say "you don't need to thank me, this is the only I ever do right". Well, I guess there was a reason none of my friends ever came to me with anything, I guess theres a reason I'm always the last to find things out, I suck at this thing I'm supposed to be doing right.... And to top it all off, I've been taking away from people this whole time, coming to them for the support that I thougth I gave others, a parasite, a leech.

And to the only person who may even read this, I'm sorry I flipped out. I don't know if theres something wrong with me, or if I hoped you'd prove me wrong, or maybe I've been lying to myself this whole time and I'm just concieted enough to mess people up for attention, regardless, apparently I'm fucked.... the only saving grace I had for all those times I called on you, was thinking that at least now and then you did the same to me. I don't know how you consider me amongst your friends, but to me, your closer than people I've known and see everyday for years.... I don't know why. I know I'm not at the top of your list, and it would be arrogant of me to think I was, just thought if nothing else, I was someone you could talk to if you needed... I guess not. I honestly hope your not reading this, but if you are, don't let me drag you down. I would say that I'm here for you, and I am, but you shoudn't turn to me. Talk to Eddie, he seems to be better at it from what you've told me...and yes, I am jealous of him for that. Hope your doing alright, and even though you'll never with me me saying it, their wrong, your perfect the way you are, and one day I hope they'll not only realize how wrong they were, but also how much it's hurt you.

To the rest of the world, I am now a man without talents, without useful skills, without any faith in myself, and a serious lack of decisiveness about anything including my opionion of myself. It seems Year 17 is well under way.

Girls

I discovered today that with the exception of my family, all the girls in my life are bad for me. Some lie, some cheat, some don't even realize i exsist. Had one stand me up at a coffee shop today, and another decide she's going to do coke. Every week i find another girl, a beautiful girl who thinks she's unnatractive, and for the life of me i can't do anythign about it, but 1 million times and counting hasn't stopped me from trying. Another one decided she's going to start sleeping around, and i have several who i'd like to talk to that refuse to have a conversation with me. The one girl who's better than all of it lives several hours away and is probably the only one who will read this if any. But all of them are tearing me up, from the liars, to the one's who need to stop with all their shit, to the ones who just don't seem to get how much i fuckin try. I'm not petty, but being there for somebody for years isn't easy, i'm willing to do it nonetheless, but not if your just going to ignore it and treat me like shit. And yet, everyday i look among these women who will undoubtably be the death of me, and look for just one that will give me the time of day...

you know who you are

Why do you sit inside a cage looking out?


Why do you think you don’t belong?

Why do you just sit there in doubt?

Why do you sit there convinced I’m wrong?



Ur beautiful and wonderful

Ur smile brightens the day

And I undersand that your humble

But why do you have to be that way?




Accept yourself in all you are

Don’t worry about all the other stuff

Break down your cages bars

I know your that tough



It’s not conceited

But it is needed

In this day and age the only ones you can count on to show you love

Is the one in the mirror and the one above.

Sex

Really really now? ur just going to "give him wat he want", "everybody wins". Great, why don't you just come out and say it, "I've decided to be easy", but no, that would mean that you couldn't sit there and talk shit about every other "easy" girl out school. And ur surprised  when i flip, even tho i didn't, ur surprised that i'm dissapointed, that i'm shocked. UR AN AMAZING PERSON! And you don't need to fuck to feel accomplished or to have a relationship, i the u ithought i knew would get that. But no, instead you complain about the guy who cares and compare me to a guy who obvioulsy doesn't. "Well __ doesn't behave this way." well then i guess __ does't give a damn about u or he would SAY SOMETHING!

Do watever you want, hope it works for you.

Back

To start, thank you lauren for reminding me i have this thing. Everyime i post it seems i'm either concieted and think the world of myself or depressed and i guess looking for pity by complaining how awful i am.

My previous posts did have some merit, i don't know who i am. I mean that because the second i say that i'm ____ i immediately convince myself i'm not, "i'm not nice becuase nice people don't do ___" so on and so forth. I think this i somewhere between me having low self esteem and being indescisive. Not really sure though.

Had a good-ish weekend, enjoyed myself and smiled, which i'm convinced i don't do with any frequency. And then realized i was behind, luckily i'm catching up easily enough (i must be if i have time to write this). I have given up chasing a girl i "liked". It's not a lie to say she's sweet, kind, or intelligent, all of these are true, but i seriously wonder i thats wat i was interested in. I didn't want to jump her, but i think it might have just been i'm tired of being lonely and she's absolutley b-e-a-utiful. I sit here thinking that i'll be an amazing boyfriend or spouse, but i've never even managed to keep a relationship or for that matter find one with any future so i'm starting to doubt my "potential".

This isn't meant to be a depressing post, but looking back i'm reminded of something that is, the fact that apparently everything i say IS DEPRESSING. And wats more, i don't get it.

I had to knock another two people off of my "List". A mental list of all the people i know who haven't had sex. you might find this rediculous, but it's the only thing that keeps me sane when thinking about such things. That there are so many people that havent.... for all i know anyways. But that list continues to get shorter everyday.

Sisters havin another baby tommorow tho, and it looks like it'll be a good day, so cheers to that.

And to all who may read this, i wish you all the best, because i know it can't be easy to put up with this guy.