Getting it out

I guess I'm doing this more than anything because I can't talk to you right now... Maybe you'll read this someday, I don't know. It's been almost a week since I went up there, and we talked and said it was time. I still hurt so much. Every now and then I get the overwhelming desire to text you, to beg to know how you are, to plead with you, I miss you much Jessica and I'm lost right now. I've scoured the internet for something to help. I've been through blogs and youtube videos and psychology self helps. I met with a counselor, who things you're wonderful by the way. I told her about how you took care of me, about all the things you told me, to keep moving on, that we should cut contact for a little while, and so on, she thinks you should become a counselor yourself honestly. I broke down and cried with her I don't know how many times... I've lost track of all the crying I've done the past few days, and I'm breaking down right now at the thought that you might be crying over me. I wish so much that I could be there to hold you and help you through these tears, but I know that's not how it works... I don't get to be both guys, the one who makes you cry and the one who wipes them away. And I'll never be able to thank you enough for the way you took care of me that night and our entire relationship, and I wish to God that I could have done the same, that I had done the same with the opportunities that I had. My counselor and I have come to the conclusion that I don't love myself... I'm sure that's not at all shocking to you, I think you were trying to teach me how to love myself by loving me, and that's just another thing I never truly appreciated in that moment. God, the thing that hurts the worst right now is that I was so blind, to everything you were, all the love you had for me. All this love that I knew was there, but could never truly accept. You made me happy in a time when I couldn't even make myself happy. You taught me to love you in a time when I couldn't even love myself. But I could never truly appreciate and accept your love although I knew all that time that you did love me so. And I could never appreciate that you accepted my love. I could never forgive myself or accept how you forgave me. For these, I am so sorry. I was never thankful enough for what we were in those moments, and I never truly appreciated just how beautiful you were, just how greatly you loved, just how caring and kind you were, just how much youth and energy and spirit you had, I never truly appreciated you Jessica, and for that I can't stop hating myself. I read your letter until it was practically burned into my mind. I gave it to RJ days ago but I can still remember the finer points, that you knew I loved you, that it will hurt, that we will both get past this, that it will be ok, that I should take care of myself and get out and have fun and learn to enjoy car rides and showers, and then you wished me luck. For a time I wondered why you didn't add an "I love you", that's petty isn't it? Why after all those times telling me you loved me, and then breaking your heart, why I should get another.... And that's just it, that's how I think about love, that's whats wrong with me. I'm working on seeing the truth. That even now, I love you, I know that not just because this is hard, and it hurts, and I care about you, and want to know, not because thinking about the good times we had fills me with a sense of joy and pain like I've never felt before, no. I love you because I spent time with you, and shared with you, and opened up to you, and became close with you. I love you because we were one in so many ways, because I know I loved you then, and this love doesn't just fade overnight, it doesn't just go because of words being said or tears being shed. In fact, I don't think that this love ever goes away. I shared a piece of my heart with you, and you shared a piece of yours with me, and I don't think we ever get those back... And Jessica, I can think of no better person to trust with a piece of my heart.

I am sorry that I let you down, that I made promises I haven't kept. I would like to say that I can someday, but I'm not so sure. What I do know is that I promised I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not, and I promised to love you and I do and I will. I hope in some ways that we may find each other again someday and live and love again as we did these past 7 months, someday when I learn how to accept all that you are and truly appreciate it, when I learn to accept your love, and learn to love you even more... But if not, I do truly hope that you meet someone who can be all the things you loved in me and more, and I hope he is gentle, and honest, and kind, and I hope like hell he can dance better than I could... but more than that, I hope he appreciates all the time he spends with you so much more than I ever did. Because I regret that now, it hurts to think of all the things that came and went without me appreciating them.

Thank you so much for the time we spent, and the love we shared Jessica.

She Loves You

She loves you, and that should be enough to get over this.

Being Thankful

I've been told it will help to try and be thankful more often. So I'll start with today

-I'm thankful for my Girlfriend,  as she's been very supportive of me throughout our entire relationship, including my struggle with porn, my anxious nature, my fear of breaking up, and my unsuredness about my own feelings towards her, which I'm still struggling through as I write this.

-I'm thankful for my friends S&R and how supportive they've been of me throughout my time here despite how I can be. R just asked me to be one of his groomsmen today.

-I'm fairly healthy, despite the way my girlfriend and I joke about my aged body.

-I'm in college, an opportunity not afforded many people.

-I get to fly, an opportunity afforded to even less people

There are countless other things I can list, but I need to get better at remembering them and listing them out.

Tumblr

http://bluedudeme.tumblr.com/

A Good Fight

I'm under the impression that people today just don't appreciate a good fight. Now, speaking as someone raised on westerns and war movies, my first thought of "Fighting" is literal. But, I'm a non-confrontational person, I don't enjoy arguing, I don't even care for competitive sports so you may wonder what it is I'm talking about. Let me list a few good fights that are being lost, mainly because our "fight" is being directed at the wrong battle. Professional Athletes put more fight into how much money they make than they ever do into their conduct on the field/court. Students put more fight into their GPA than they ever do into understanding the material. Government people put more fight into their election and re-election than providing for the common good.

There are days where I walk around wanting to fight, anyone for any reason. I'm just angry, and I'm surprised by the energy I seem to have for desiring a fight. That energy is no where to be found when I'm trying to make my life better, a much more noble fight.

Some people will try three times as hard to steal something that they could earn honestly. Some people go out of their way to break the law when obeying isn't such a hindrance.

I spend most of my life making myself miserable in some form or fashion. Be it through guilt and self loathing, or stress and worry I impose on myself. Poor body image and complete lack of self worth. At any moment I'm ready to fight someone else when I won't fight my own self for a better life. That I think would be a good fight.

A... "Natural" want

I've come to a realization today... that I may never be rid of this addiction.

I did well for a time, leaving a mark above my bed every day I did well. I treated it as a burden, how ironic, to feel burdened by freedom from an addiction, a need, uncontrollable. I've quit it many times, replacing it with something else for a time, or even forgetting it... imagine that, an addiction you can just "forget" for a time. But, that was just it, it always came back. This addiction isn't like some of the others, it has substance, a need, sure. But, unlike the rest, it isn't something easily avoided, it's a part of life.

It started with a want, one that is completely natural. But I thought I was better than that, I thought I could change this want, control it, place it back and do something else instead, something I had control over. I doubt that I thought I was stronger than the want, or else I would have just abstained it through will... instead, I feel that I was weaker, I knew it and was afraid of it. I didn't want that want, that natural thing to have hold over me... Instead, I corrupted, and perverted it into something that does. I've hurt people over this thing, the list may be short, but painful none the less.... but thats just the thing. Like any true addiction, it changes you, and there are times that are not few in number or length that I don't care about those I've hurt or about hurting anyone else as long as I can fill this need.

I told myself at the beginning of this semester I was done trying to change it all, to bring up my grades, keep my friends, make money, learn an instrument, work out and get in shape, and along with all that and not going insane, trying to get this thing under control. I chose one, the most relevant, grades and I'm not changing my mind, but adding an addendum. In moments I have the strength I will give this thing up, even if it is superficial, even if it is for only a month, a week, a day or a few hours, I will. I don't know yet if I'll surprise myself with strength or weakness in the endeavor but I'll give it a try anyways and every moment I'm free of it will be a victory... no matter it's length. I think that victory might be as natural a want as any, and if not, freedom in life certainly is.

-BEM

Sleep

I need my sleep...


There are people who can do vile awful things, and sleep peacefully. There are people devoid of a conscience. People who never care, or think on their actions. Who never feel guilt.

Then there are people with levels of guilt, that feel they've done wrong based on the action itself. Somethings they can do and justify it, and some they cant.

And then, there's people like me, people who feel guilt regardless of the action. The issue is, eventually feeling guilty for everything tunes you out, so that you no longer feel guilty for anything.


Those devoid of guilt sleep in peace every night. Those with stages will have trouble sleeping on occasion until they make it right somehow... But those with guilt all the time, they can't sleep for thinking of their guilty actions...

So, i say again

I need my sleep.