Getting it out

I guess I'm doing this more than anything because I can't talk to you right now... Maybe you'll read this someday, I don't know. It's been almost a week since I went up there, and we talked and said it was time. I still hurt so much. Every now and then I get the overwhelming desire to text you, to beg to know how you are, to plead with you, I miss you much Jessica and I'm lost right now. I've scoured the internet for something to help. I've been through blogs and youtube videos and psychology self helps. I met with a counselor, who things you're wonderful by the way. I told her about how you took care of me, about all the things you told me, to keep moving on, that we should cut contact for a little while, and so on, she thinks you should become a counselor yourself honestly. I broke down and cried with her I don't know how many times... I've lost track of all the crying I've done the past few days, and I'm breaking down right now at the thought that you might be crying over me. I wish so much that I could be there to hold you and help you through these tears, but I know that's not how it works... I don't get to be both guys, the one who makes you cry and the one who wipes them away. And I'll never be able to thank you enough for the way you took care of me that night and our entire relationship, and I wish to God that I could have done the same, that I had done the same with the opportunities that I had. My counselor and I have come to the conclusion that I don't love myself... I'm sure that's not at all shocking to you, I think you were trying to teach me how to love myself by loving me, and that's just another thing I never truly appreciated in that moment. God, the thing that hurts the worst right now is that I was so blind, to everything you were, all the love you had for me. All this love that I knew was there, but could never truly accept. You made me happy in a time when I couldn't even make myself happy. You taught me to love you in a time when I couldn't even love myself. But I could never truly appreciate and accept your love although I knew all that time that you did love me so. And I could never appreciate that you accepted my love. I could never forgive myself or accept how you forgave me. For these, I am so sorry. I was never thankful enough for what we were in those moments, and I never truly appreciated just how beautiful you were, just how greatly you loved, just how caring and kind you were, just how much youth and energy and spirit you had, I never truly appreciated you Jessica, and for that I can't stop hating myself. I read your letter until it was practically burned into my mind. I gave it to RJ days ago but I can still remember the finer points, that you knew I loved you, that it will hurt, that we will both get past this, that it will be ok, that I should take care of myself and get out and have fun and learn to enjoy car rides and showers, and then you wished me luck. For a time I wondered why you didn't add an "I love you", that's petty isn't it? Why after all those times telling me you loved me, and then breaking your heart, why I should get another.... And that's just it, that's how I think about love, that's whats wrong with me. I'm working on seeing the truth. That even now, I love you, I know that not just because this is hard, and it hurts, and I care about you, and want to know, not because thinking about the good times we had fills me with a sense of joy and pain like I've never felt before, no. I love you because I spent time with you, and shared with you, and opened up to you, and became close with you. I love you because we were one in so many ways, because I know I loved you then, and this love doesn't just fade overnight, it doesn't just go because of words being said or tears being shed. In fact, I don't think that this love ever goes away. I shared a piece of my heart with you, and you shared a piece of yours with me, and I don't think we ever get those back... And Jessica, I can think of no better person to trust with a piece of my heart.

I am sorry that I let you down, that I made promises I haven't kept. I would like to say that I can someday, but I'm not so sure. What I do know is that I promised I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not, and I promised to love you and I do and I will. I hope in some ways that we may find each other again someday and live and love again as we did these past 7 months, someday when I learn how to accept all that you are and truly appreciate it, when I learn to accept your love, and learn to love you even more... But if not, I do truly hope that you meet someone who can be all the things you loved in me and more, and I hope he is gentle, and honest, and kind, and I hope like hell he can dance better than I could... but more than that, I hope he appreciates all the time he spends with you so much more than I ever did. Because I regret that now, it hurts to think of all the things that came and went without me appreciating them.

Thank you so much for the time we spent, and the love we shared Jessica.