I've come to a realization today... that I may never be rid of this addiction.
I did well for a time, leaving a mark above my bed every day I did well. I treated it as a burden, how ironic, to feel burdened by freedom from an addiction, a need, uncontrollable. I've quit it many times, replacing it with something else for a time, or even forgetting it... imagine that, an addiction you can just "forget" for a time. But, that was just it, it always came back. This addiction isn't like some of the others, it has substance, a need, sure. But, unlike the rest, it isn't something easily avoided, it's a part of life.
It started with a want, one that is completely natural. But I thought I was better than that, I thought I could change this want, control it, place it back and do something else instead, something I had control over. I doubt that I thought I was stronger than the want, or else I would have just abstained it through will... instead, I feel that I was weaker, I knew it and was afraid of it. I didn't want that want, that natural thing to have hold over me... Instead, I corrupted, and perverted it into something that does. I've hurt people over this thing, the list may be short, but painful none the less.... but thats just the thing. Like any true addiction, it changes you, and there are times that are not few in number or length that I don't care about those I've hurt or about hurting anyone else as long as I can fill this need.
I told myself at the beginning of this semester I was done trying to change it all, to bring up my grades, keep my friends, make money, learn an instrument, work out and get in shape, and along with all that and not going insane, trying to get this thing under control. I chose one, the most relevant, grades and I'm not changing my mind, but adding an addendum. In moments I have the strength I will give this thing up, even if it is superficial, even if it is for only a month, a week, a day or a few hours, I will. I don't know yet if I'll surprise myself with strength or weakness in the endeavor but I'll give it a try anyways and every moment I'm free of it will be a victory... no matter it's length. I think that victory might be as natural a want as any, and if not, freedom in life certainly is.
-BEM
I did well for a time, leaving a mark above my bed every day I did well. I treated it as a burden, how ironic, to feel burdened by freedom from an addiction, a need, uncontrollable. I've quit it many times, replacing it with something else for a time, or even forgetting it... imagine that, an addiction you can just "forget" for a time. But, that was just it, it always came back. This addiction isn't like some of the others, it has substance, a need, sure. But, unlike the rest, it isn't something easily avoided, it's a part of life.
It started with a want, one that is completely natural. But I thought I was better than that, I thought I could change this want, control it, place it back and do something else instead, something I had control over. I doubt that I thought I was stronger than the want, or else I would have just abstained it through will... instead, I feel that I was weaker, I knew it and was afraid of it. I didn't want that want, that natural thing to have hold over me... Instead, I corrupted, and perverted it into something that does. I've hurt people over this thing, the list may be short, but painful none the less.... but thats just the thing. Like any true addiction, it changes you, and there are times that are not few in number or length that I don't care about those I've hurt or about hurting anyone else as long as I can fill this need.
I told myself at the beginning of this semester I was done trying to change it all, to bring up my grades, keep my friends, make money, learn an instrument, work out and get in shape, and along with all that and not going insane, trying to get this thing under control. I chose one, the most relevant, grades and I'm not changing my mind, but adding an addendum. In moments I have the strength I will give this thing up, even if it is superficial, even if it is for only a month, a week, a day or a few hours, I will. I don't know yet if I'll surprise myself with strength or weakness in the endeavor but I'll give it a try anyways and every moment I'm free of it will be a victory... no matter it's length. I think that victory might be as natural a want as any, and if not, freedom in life certainly is.
-BEM
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