She loves you, and that should be enough to get over this.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Being Thankful
I've been told it will help to try and be thankful more often. So I'll start with today
-I'm thankful for my Girlfriend, as she's been very supportive of me throughout our entire relationship, including my struggle with porn, my anxious nature, my fear of breaking up, and my unsuredness about my own feelings towards her, which I'm still struggling through as I write this.
-I'm thankful for my friends S&R and how supportive they've been of me throughout my time here despite how I can be. R just asked me to be one of his groomsmen today.
-I'm fairly healthy, despite the way my girlfriend and I joke about my aged body.
-I'm in college, an opportunity not afforded many people.
-I get to fly, an opportunity afforded to even less people
There are countless other things I can list, but I need to get better at remembering them and listing them out.
-I'm thankful for my Girlfriend, as she's been very supportive of me throughout our entire relationship, including my struggle with porn, my anxious nature, my fear of breaking up, and my unsuredness about my own feelings towards her, which I'm still struggling through as I write this.
-I'm thankful for my friends S&R and how supportive they've been of me throughout my time here despite how I can be. R just asked me to be one of his groomsmen today.
-I'm fairly healthy, despite the way my girlfriend and I joke about my aged body.
-I'm in college, an opportunity not afforded many people.
-I get to fly, an opportunity afforded to even less people
There are countless other things I can list, but I need to get better at remembering them and listing them out.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
A Good Fight
I'm under the impression that people today just don't appreciate a good fight. Now, speaking as someone raised on westerns and war movies, my first thought of "Fighting" is literal. But, I'm a non-confrontational person, I don't enjoy arguing, I don't even care for competitive sports so you may wonder what it is I'm talking about. Let me list a few good fights that are being lost, mainly because our "fight" is being directed at the wrong battle. Professional Athletes put more fight into how much money they make than they ever do into their conduct on the field/court. Students put more fight into their GPA than they ever do into understanding the material. Government people put more fight into their election and re-election than providing for the common good.
There are days where I walk around wanting to fight, anyone for any reason. I'm just angry, and I'm surprised by the energy I seem to have for desiring a fight. That energy is no where to be found when I'm trying to make my life better, a much more noble fight.
Some people will try three times as hard to steal something that they could earn honestly. Some people go out of their way to break the law when obeying isn't such a hindrance.
I spend most of my life making myself miserable in some form or fashion. Be it through guilt and self loathing, or stress and worry I impose on myself. Poor body image and complete lack of self worth. At any moment I'm ready to fight someone else when I won't fight my own self for a better life. That I think would be a good fight.
There are days where I walk around wanting to fight, anyone for any reason. I'm just angry, and I'm surprised by the energy I seem to have for desiring a fight. That energy is no where to be found when I'm trying to make my life better, a much more noble fight.
Some people will try three times as hard to steal something that they could earn honestly. Some people go out of their way to break the law when obeying isn't such a hindrance.
I spend most of my life making myself miserable in some form or fashion. Be it through guilt and self loathing, or stress and worry I impose on myself. Poor body image and complete lack of self worth. At any moment I'm ready to fight someone else when I won't fight my own self for a better life. That I think would be a good fight.
Friday, January 17, 2014
A... "Natural" want
I've come to a realization today... that I may never be rid of this addiction.
I did well for a time, leaving a mark above my bed every day I did well. I treated it as a burden, how ironic, to feel burdened by freedom from an addiction, a need, uncontrollable. I've quit it many times, replacing it with something else for a time, or even forgetting it... imagine that, an addiction you can just "forget" for a time. But, that was just it, it always came back. This addiction isn't like some of the others, it has substance, a need, sure. But, unlike the rest, it isn't something easily avoided, it's a part of life.
It started with a want, one that is completely natural. But I thought I was better than that, I thought I could change this want, control it, place it back and do something else instead, something I had control over. I doubt that I thought I was stronger than the want, or else I would have just abstained it through will... instead, I feel that I was weaker, I knew it and was afraid of it. I didn't want that want, that natural thing to have hold over me... Instead, I corrupted, and perverted it into something that does. I've hurt people over this thing, the list may be short, but painful none the less.... but thats just the thing. Like any true addiction, it changes you, and there are times that are not few in number or length that I don't care about those I've hurt or about hurting anyone else as long as I can fill this need.
I told myself at the beginning of this semester I was done trying to change it all, to bring up my grades, keep my friends, make money, learn an instrument, work out and get in shape, and along with all that and not going insane, trying to get this thing under control. I chose one, the most relevant, grades and I'm not changing my mind, but adding an addendum. In moments I have the strength I will give this thing up, even if it is superficial, even if it is for only a month, a week, a day or a few hours, I will. I don't know yet if I'll surprise myself with strength or weakness in the endeavor but I'll give it a try anyways and every moment I'm free of it will be a victory... no matter it's length. I think that victory might be as natural a want as any, and if not, freedom in life certainly is.
-BEM
I did well for a time, leaving a mark above my bed every day I did well. I treated it as a burden, how ironic, to feel burdened by freedom from an addiction, a need, uncontrollable. I've quit it many times, replacing it with something else for a time, or even forgetting it... imagine that, an addiction you can just "forget" for a time. But, that was just it, it always came back. This addiction isn't like some of the others, it has substance, a need, sure. But, unlike the rest, it isn't something easily avoided, it's a part of life.
It started with a want, one that is completely natural. But I thought I was better than that, I thought I could change this want, control it, place it back and do something else instead, something I had control over. I doubt that I thought I was stronger than the want, or else I would have just abstained it through will... instead, I feel that I was weaker, I knew it and was afraid of it. I didn't want that want, that natural thing to have hold over me... Instead, I corrupted, and perverted it into something that does. I've hurt people over this thing, the list may be short, but painful none the less.... but thats just the thing. Like any true addiction, it changes you, and there are times that are not few in number or length that I don't care about those I've hurt or about hurting anyone else as long as I can fill this need.
I told myself at the beginning of this semester I was done trying to change it all, to bring up my grades, keep my friends, make money, learn an instrument, work out and get in shape, and along with all that and not going insane, trying to get this thing under control. I chose one, the most relevant, grades and I'm not changing my mind, but adding an addendum. In moments I have the strength I will give this thing up, even if it is superficial, even if it is for only a month, a week, a day or a few hours, I will. I don't know yet if I'll surprise myself with strength or weakness in the endeavor but I'll give it a try anyways and every moment I'm free of it will be a victory... no matter it's length. I think that victory might be as natural a want as any, and if not, freedom in life certainly is.
-BEM
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