Me and My Dad

So, i had a revelation today. But to explain this one, I need to go back a few years.

When I was about 7 my dad sat me down and said to me "Blake, just so you know, my dad wasnt a good father to me, so I really dont know how to be one". At the time I thought I understood him, he was saying that he would try but that he was at a disadvantage, so I should appreciate his effort...

Several years later I realized, more based on his character than anything, that what he actually meant from it was to lower my expectations. He was in a sense putting a social handi-cap plackard around his neck and saying "I don't possess the capability to go the distance", but what pisses me off is he never really tried.

But now I realized that this has rubbed off on me. Everything I don't do right in the relationships I've been in I blame on being inexperienced. Which might be understandable since I have a combined relationship total of 4 weeks within three relationships, including the one I'm currently in that led to this revelation. But I still just say "well, im not experienced" whenever i do something wrong.

Well no more, Im going to figure this out.

This Girl

So, theres this girl/. This girl/ and i have known each other for years. And just so you know a little bit more about me, one of my first and best friends was a girl. Not a girl in the usual sense though, even though we were only in elementary school, thanks to bad parenting ideals she already had a much more open understanding of sex than the usual, which she didn’t mind sharing. But for some reason we were never awkward around each other even in spite of that. Since that time, girls have always been my better friends… maybe its because I’m feminine in nature, maybe because most things guys do disgust me, I’m not sure. I do know however that the majority of girls that are my friends are girls I wanted to get to know so that I could date them and immediately landed in the friend zone with. I know dozens of girls I can talk to, not a single one so far I can date though… except this girl.



This girl/ and I dated at the beginning of my freshman year. We held hands and hung out everyday, and even went to the movies once. But because of being friends with girls for so many years I had heard time and time again “we went on this date and he did ____ and it made things sooooo awkward” I’m not sure if its from being friends with girls for so many years, or being protective in nature, or some odd sense of male over-respect towards women after finding out that my mom had been abused in her first marriage. But whatever the cause, I was terrified of making her awkward. Not because that might mess things up between the two of us, and end the relationship, no, it was simply I didn’t want to make her awkward. So the entire time we sat in the theatre on that first date, I sat with a personal bubble between the two of us, just so there was no chance she would find anything I did “awkward”.



A week later she broke up with me and walked away, to which I said nothing. I just walked around the rest of the day with a pain in my stomach like Mike Tyson had hit me there. For the rest of the year we didn’t speak to each other, more on her part than mine. After a few weeks I was told by friends of hers that the reason she dumped me was that I was “boring”, to which I can’t really argue.



That summer I dated the only other girl that has said yes so far. She was extremely unstable and as it turned out used me as just an emotional “pick-me-up” when she needed me, then dumped me. Talking to this girl/ for really the first time in a while on fb, she noticed that the other girl had dumped me, and instead of asking if I was alright, did something that was totally… her. She asked me “Do I need to kick this girls ass Blake, cuz nobody should treat somebody as nice as you that way”. Close to the nicest thing I have ever been told.



The following year we began to talk again and it continued into this year, occasionally holding an odd conversation or staring blankly at her while she screamed random insults like “fag”, or “whore” at me across the parking lot, which is also completely her. We began hanging out more and more and after a while, I began to notice that I wasn’t awkward around her, and not only that… I was more fun around her. I didn’t have to worry around her like I do around everybody else. And occasionally it felt like we were dating, and I wanted to reach across and hold her, or kiss her. But I knew better. Even though I couldn’t define our relationship, and that drove me crazy, whatever it was made me happy.



Then, one day, after going to a movie, the local snow cone place, and an evening at my youth group, all of whom thought we were dating, I finally defined our relationship. I figured out that we were just amazing friends, who for all appearances appeared to be dating, but that we never would because we knew it wouldn’t work. Realizing this made me comfortable. Later we decided to have a chat on twitter. This was not the best idea because everyone could see it. Two girls whom we both know decided to comment on us asking questions like “are ya’ll dating yet or what?” finally, this girl/ decided to ask “want to go out again?”, to which I couldn’t say no.



Now this girl/ and I are in a relationship that I can’t possibly understand, because I spent so long just trying to figure it out before. Wish me luck.

stupid rhyme

So tell me why this burden on my shoulders wheighs a ton

And tell me why I feel like im the only one

who lives their live this way

Its like im just living from day to day,

and nobody should feel that way,

like they have nothing to give and nothing to say

And tell me why I sit here looking for something between the lines

, watching as all this time these feeble times- go flying awaying

All the while I’m just sitting here writing these stupid rhymes wishing I too could fly away.

And tell me why I’m not really down

, im not depressed, suicidal or even sad, im just complacent-

Complacent with this life that my soul just doesn’t seem to care about,

 but all the while happy sad or otherwise, although I may not be down,

 I feel like im about to drown,

drown in this mind that wont shutup, wont let me sleep.

 This mind that keeps going and thinking till my head starts to weep.

And although im busy and this time

 that I’ve spent on this rhyme

 could be so better placed and so better put to use,

 this rhyme of mine is bringing a small smile to my face

 and keeping me from hanging my mind in a symbolic noose.

 It’s keeping it busy and shutting it up for this little while I’ve spent on my computer,

 but even while im writing its throwing me something that it wont let go,

 that the Tibetans say that this mind that wont be quiet,

this thinking that wont shut up is like pouring water…. Like pouring water into a cup,

 one that is already full and can take no more,

it just ends in a mess brimming over the edges and onto the floor.

 And although theres no gate, no door

 for me to lock up and leave these thought so I can have a break,

 maybe I can sit here and just take

 some time away from this shame

 this crime of a brain

to just think about these insessent thoughts, this paranoia, these fears and worries.

And just tell my mind that there is no hurry,

 theres no need to rush and force me to think about them now, unless it knows something I don’t, that my time is short in which case there no reason to think about these things at all, I should enjoy this world before I have to go …

with wishful thinking since I don’t know which of my deeds will be called when I’m called to court. Maybe one day if my life isn’t cut short

 I will have time to work all of this out and maybe just calm down.

So im no longer asking you why these things are the way they are in my life, instead I simply say to you the next time you asking me why I do so worry, fear, and just think.

 That im on the brink, the brink,

 the edge of some cliff somewhere in my head, and im tired of teetering there but it’s where I’ve been since I can remember and im sure that’s where ill stay for a while yet.

 But im no happier im there than you are im sure, but its not something that I can just set

down all these things, just walk away and let them set.

Its something I deal with everday,

in everyway,

because they come never lay

down and leave me alone,

 these thoughts and insecurities don’t have a sleep button, they never fall into a manageable drone.

 They just keep going until I’m to tired to live a life.

 But I’m writing this now to say I’m putting my foot down, I’m taking back my life

 and I’m going to figure out how to deal with this strife.